distinctly.elan

I finaly have found a

I finaly have found a nearly angelic picture of my 13 year old brother, Jacob.

I warn you girls. Appearances are deceiving.

Shame.. that's all I know..

Shame.. that's all I know.. all I feel..
Regret.. over things I've lost, moments I wish I had waited for, times I wish I could forget.

I don't feel like going to work tomorrow. Horribly boring day. I'm disappointed with myself. I can't even keep up to my own standards. Keep pissing people off. I just want this week to end and be over with. Heck, I want it to be spring. Maybe I'll feel better then. I need a shoulder to cry on and someone to hug me. I want my eighteenth year to be better. I want so many things.. and things just don't seem to work out. Keep making too many mistakes. And I just want to move on. So badly. But people keep reminding me.. The bitterness keeps rising in my throat and i can't seem to stop it.

I need a break. March is going to be hell on earth. There's not even much to look forward to, to keep urging myself forward. I hate this.

I wish there was a way to erase it all, but there isn't.

Either be willing and ready to hold me and let me unload, or willing to push me off the cliff. That's what friends are for, right?

A new rule I am

A new rule I am adding for myself and a bit of advice...

NEVER, EVER, DATE SOMEONE YOU WORK WITH.

They will ruin everything. Especially after you break up, your boss will be pissed. You'll hang your head everytime the relationship is mentioned. You'll desire never to ever hear of that time in your life ever again, but your wish will not be honored. Never have I despaired or regretted such a mistake as dating him.

~~~~~~
On to happier subjects... like food.

You've all seen the commercials. You've all grimaced at the sub-par grating tune. And I'm sure you've all wondered what the heck those things are and what they have to do with subs. (and the pirate hat means what?!) So, without further ado, I pose this article to explain all these brain-numbing questions away.

Oh. Well. If it was

Oh. Well. If it was only that easy..
According to Emode.com, I am Still Single because I:

Don't Want To Slow Down

Whether you're secretly sabotaging yourself or not, try a little exercise. Open your mind to those who are around you (and available!) right now. Then let up on your schedule to let that someone in. That is, unless you want to get married to your goals, and not Mr. or Mrs. Right.

Find out what your reason is. At least according to them.

"A story of unparalleled substance

"A story of unparalleled substance told with unprecendented style."

Both Roeper and Ebert gave great reviews on the Passion of the Christ (odd and annoying that both Pirates of the Caribbean and Passion are shortened to PotC.).

From Roeper: "..we must keep in mind that Jews and Romans alike were simply fulfilling their roles in God's plan for Jesus, who was put on this Earth to die. The Jews didn't kill Christ; humankind did."

From Ebert: "It is clear that Mel Gibson wanted to make graphic and inescapable the price that Jesus paid (as Christians believe) when he died for our sins. . . What Gibson has provided for me, for the first time in my life, is a visceral idea of what the Passion consisted of. That his film is superficial in terms of the surrounding message -- that we get only a few passing references to the teachings of Jesus -- is, I suppose, not the point. This is not a sermon or a homily, but a visualization of the central event in the Christian religion. Take it or leave it."

I must admit, if two of the most famous movie critics in the US, perhaps the world, believe in the power, the urgency of Gibson's message, it does make me a bit more interested in seeing the movie.

Our family already has tickets to see the film, for the Senator on Sunday. My mom is thrilled and excited, my dad, has yet to mention it, and my brother, apathetic, if not hateful about anything to do with Christianity or any religion. Myself, on the other hand, I don't know. Both critics quoted above have agreed on the fact that Passion was the most violent movie they're seen yet. I am not a fan of violence. Horror movies are distasteful simply because of the brutality. I'm squeamish; I don't want to see pain etched on someone's face as a spike is driven into their hand, or see a writhing body as a whip shreds flesh.

It's not that I don't believe some people - Christians, that is - can take Jesus' sacrifice lightly and may be "changed" after seeing this. It's mostly a matter of my own feelings. The problem with watching this movie will be the gore factor, and according to Ebert, at least 100 of the 126 minute-long film is just that. I doubt I'll be able to stay in the theater for long. A part of me does want to see the film, to see Gibson's spin on the Gospels, to see what the hype is all about, but a huge chunk has no desire to see the movie at all.

I don't what I'll do. If I walk out early, or ask not to go, my parents will question my belief system. It has nothing to do with my beliefs; I am a Christian, I believe the truth of the Bible. But I simply can't take watching those horrors, I think.

You are 21% geekOK, so

Take the Polygeek Quiz at Thudfactor.com

Playful Girl


What kind of little girl were YOU?
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All you need is love..

All you need is love.. or something like that.
"In the Shadows" by Story of the Year

I love this one of my boxer mix, Punkin, and I. I fooled around with it, and just turned it into a Sephia tinted shot, as the original was too dark.

You don't want me glaring at you like this. Well... you might. I'm hinting at a grin.

My 18th birthday cake. Had only (count 'em) 9 candles, and a hunk taken out of the center (dad cannot ice a cake to save his life).

By far my favorite photo of the party. From left: Rach, Dace, Me, Allie, and Sethly.

68% (Dixie). A definitive Southern

68% (Dixie). A definitive Southern score!
Tak the "Yankee or Dixie" quiz.

Did you know there is a Trogdor fanlisting? I do. You can check it out by clicking on the icon at the left.

Just a fun song. Never

Just a fun song. Never heard until tonight, and on the way home from a very filling birthday dinner at Outback Steakhouse, mom and I blasted it on the radio.

So here's to him (i.e. it's his song, not mine.):

I'm a loser
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be

I'm a loser
And I lost someone who's near to me
I'm a loser
And I'm not what I appear to be
- "I'm a Loser" by The Beatles

~~~~

Birthday wishes are nice..

ShimmerKitty: happy bday fatso

Me: I got a digital camera!
caged&alone: awesome
Me: almost as good as car keys

I'm in a kick-butt mood

I'm in a kick-butt mood right now.
"I Saw You" by Josh Kelley

Heart of Crystal


What is Your Heart REALLY Made of?
brought to you by Quizilla

I only worked from nine in the morning until one pm, but it was crazy, and the morning went super fast.

For some odd reason, our crew has developed a strain of the "I'm not showing up at work today, and I'm not answering my phone when Bossman calls" disease. Another crewmate missed work today, so guess who got to take his place as a tour guide? Yep. Me. Bossman had scheduled me to welcome people aboard while he, L, and another crewmate gave Powder Monkey Tours to 350+ middle schoolers, but when the third crew member was a no-show, I got recruited in to give a tour to two groups of fifty kids each. Plus a half-dozen chaperones.

1. I hate giving tours to junior highers (people call them Junior Hypers for a reason).
2. Chaperones should actually keep some sort of order with their group.
3. People who show up late for a tour should not complain how they are a few minutes longer finishing up, especially when they miscounted and it takes ten minutes for nearly 100 kids to walk down the stairs.

So it was my first time giving a tour to over 30 people. I was nervous, especially because there were three tours going on at the same time, all over the ship. But I sucked it up, assumed my "Yes, I have done this a thousand times before" authoritative pose, and shouted "FALL IN! LISTEN UP & PAY ATTENTION! MY NAME IS ABLE SEAMAN *** AND I WILL BE YOUR GUIDE TODAY!" Well, that got the attention of a grand total of five kids. Apparently, the group of 150 kids was divided up wrong, so that I got part of Bossman and L's groups, leaving me with about 70 people, and them with under 50 each. That was the worst problem of the day so far.

Finally, I got most of the group's attention and headed aboard. The first deck was fine for the most part; they did what I asked, and didn't fool around too much. We "braced the yards," I explained how the bell and watches worked, and showed them the "head", or the plank of wood used as a bathroom for 300 sailors and marines.

After twenty tortuous minutes, I instructed them to stay in their two groups of 30-some kids each, and walk down both sides of the stairway, down to the gun deck, and turn forward to the bow of the ship, at the ship's galley. I walked down first, and a few kids followed me up to the food display, and then the rest, led by the wandering chaperones, turned the opposite direction and spread out, exploring the rest of the deck. Five minutes passed before I could group them back together and explain the food supplies they'd have to looks forward to as Ship's Boys.

On and on, we went throughout the four decks the same way, each time, me directing, giving clear instructions on where to go and how to get there, and the mob spreading out every which way.

We were fifteen minutes over their time schedule when I finally waved them off.

Then it was on to the second group.

This time, I got my fifty kids, plus chaperones. The second group was a breeze compared to the first. They listened, followed my directions, and were just generally good-natured and willing.

My favorite part was working with the yards and sails. As I was giving my commands to "haul and let go" on the ropes pullins the yards, a chaperone decided it was time for me to tell them to stop. He shouted out, "That is well!" (stop), and a few of the group listened. I overheard him, waited until I saw the yards in their proper positions, gave the order to stop, and stomped over to the man. Only a foot away from him, I yelled in my best smartass voice, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TELLING ME, A HIGHER RANKING OFFICER, WHEN YOU THINK IT'S DONE?! I WILL TELL THEM WHEN TO STOP, AND IF YOU CHALLENGE ME AGAIN, I'L HAVE YOU THROWN IN THE BRIG!(jail)!" He looked at me with an astounded and wounded expression, and promptly shut up for the rest of the tour, much to everyone's glee. I nearly felt sorry for him, but I love making people feel like fools when they attempt to make me lose control.

A few moments later, a couple boys, about 12 years old, started cutting up, calling his mates "ladies" and "wimps." Call me a feminist, but it galls me when a boy calls other males "ladies" as an insult. I stormed over to him, towering over him and his friend, and asked him why he thought he was so great as to be calling his fellow workers "ladies", when, in fact, he was being comanded by a woman. The look on his face was priceless. He and his friend immediately cowered, saluted, and said, "I'm sorry ma'am," as if they were wound mechanical sailors, wired to come to attention.

The group was a thousand times better behaved, and I actually found that I was enjoying myself as I lost my voice in comanding the group around. I even made a few tips to donate to the ship, and several good remarks on the comments card they filled out after the tour.

So yea. I feel strong. And cool. And brave. And just plain kickass.

This is your last night

This is your last night of minority!
"Life of a Salesman" by Yellowcard

I have had an incredibly amazing weekend.

Yesterday started out awful. It was my first Saturday off with literally nothing to do - as in, no appointments, no promises to family events, nothing. So mom and I were about ready to go down to Hampden, shopping on the Avenue, when Bossman called. Apparently someone decided they didn't need to show up to work, and could I come in today? Well, being the sweet person I am, and Bossman being the smooth talker he is, I agreed to come in at one that afternoon and work until five-thirty. Mom and I headed out, and by twelve-thirty, I had bought a lovely dress for graduation - a creamy Flapper-style chiffon number with a dropped hemline and floaty skirt - and a bright red wool cape with a fantastic neck clasp, and eaten a brunch at the famous Cafe Hon.

Called back to work to see if they had gotten a hold of someone else, and the ever-wonderful Thing1 had come own and volunteered his day to work instead of me.

Out again I went, this time to White Marsh Mall.

Also, I bought: a soft button down pink shirt, a pair of green cargo pants from Aeropostale, and a pink tank and khaki flood pants from JCPenny's.

A very satisifed girl I am.
~~~~~~~~

Then this afternoon was the big party. Allie, Dace, Sethly, and Rach showed up, but for reasons far beyond our control, Thing 1 & 2 did not show. Blech.

But we bowled a game at the lanes, where Seth promptly showed me up by getting a score of 92, myself, a grand total of 80. Then we went back to my house, with plenty of Barq's root beer and pizza in abundance, and watched The Princess Bride and The Truman Show.

From them, I got a bobblehead Justin Timberlake (that I returned to his resting place by the printer), a bobblehead pony (JT's noble steed) ("He's defective! No, it's a seahorse! Two dolls in one!"), Yellowcard's Ocean Avenue album, Moulin Rouge, and a promise to see Sethly again in less than five months this time (missed you, babe!). And a phone call from Thing 2 wishing me a Happy Early Birthday

My parents still cannot get it right. I had (count 'em) nine candles on my cake.

From them, I received:
The Ralph by Ralph Lauren fragrence gift set
Cat Steven's Greatest Hits
My very own digital camera, along with extra memory card, and accesories (I've been wanting this for so long...)

So very happy. Has to be one of the best birthdays. Ever. (not just because I got everything I wanted, but because all of my friends - Snootball, Fishy Fish, Snarfblat, and Faluptous - were all there to celebrate my last moments of childhood.)

I'm going to miss growing up.

12 more minutes.

Some days I feel like

Some days I feel like such a princess.
"Dizzy" by Goo Goo Dolls

I'm lucky(blessed!) enough to:
1. Have the coolest boss in the entire world.
- Bossman gave me 10 days off in the busiest month of the year to go on the missions trip to El Salvador, even though I'm one of the few that is responsible enough and knowledgable enough to run the place (well, almost).
- For kidding me, not damning me, about going out with his son.

2. Have an awesome, incredibly enjoyable place to work.
- The majority of the coworkers are great.
- The visitors, while mostly dumb, are ironicaly funny to watch.
- Be outside all day when the first bit of sunlight peeks through the sky and starts thawing Baltimore.

3. Know some incredible guys.
- Thing 1, is coming to my get-together, at least. I know he's looking forward to it, whether he wants to admit it. Unlike most other males, he's cheerfully and good-natured enough to lend me his shoulder to lean on.
- To have found an amazing friend in Thing 2. To know he is ready at a moment's notice to drive nearly an hour up here, anytime, simply to see me and enjoy my companionship. To know he calls at night just to hear my voice. To know he drove up to the ship to see me, if only for the fifteen minutes before I was picked up. :grins:

I have never felt more blessed and loved than at this moment. I don't deserve this. Not me. I've failed God so much.. I have been careless about so many important things that I've taken things for granted. And yet He still provides. Wow.

I don't want things to change. If only life could stay this perfect, if only for a few more months. Aside from the El Salvador trip, I don't want the summer to end. Not yet. Life will shift yet again. and I'm not looking forward to the gears moving again.

I will simply enjoy it. And hope that our feelings will last the changes. But I am so, so, much better, And happier. If only for the season.

Bad Day. "Taylor" by Jack

Bad Day.
"Taylor" by Jack Johnson

It's been one of those weeks. The ones where I start out the day with a huge grin on my face a lilt in my voice, and hop in my step.

Then by the end, I'm an exausted, bleary-eyed mess, only able to fall into bed, then get up the next day and start all over again.

So I have written an entry on honesty, I simply have yet to copy it from my physical notebook to Blog-form. It'll happen eventually.

Excuse my and Sean's bitter arguing back-and-forth. I shouldn't have carried that on as long as I have. He's a good guy, I simply wish he would listen to advice more oft. Perhaps I just need to be a better advice giver? I don't know. But I'm sorry, Sean.

I just want to sleep for the next two days.

But Saturday shall be loads of fun. The morning will be spent in Hampden, vingtage clithing shopping, then I'll hang with Allie for the afternoon, and after five I'll go out looking for Prom accesories. Busy. Thank God for a two day weekend. First Saturday I've had off since, since.. well, aside from other plans I had promised myself to for school/church/family, this is the first Saturday I've had free to myself and friends in a very long while.

One last note: We got a digital camera yesterday. I'll figure out how to work the thing and shall post pictures during the weekend.

I had a bad day again
She said I would not understand
She left a note that said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day again

She said I would not understand
She left a note and said I'm sorry, I
I had a bad day again
- "Bad Day" by Fuel

I wonder when it is

I wonder when it is safe to truly open up, to explain yourself to someone, even your deepest thoughts. Does anyone ever share everything with someone, even their significant other or spouse?

Post to come tomorrow.

Your thoughts, revelations?

Note: I've reorganized and added to my list of links. You can check out the revamped list, on a new page, by clicking on the "Linkies" button on the right sidebar.

Odd moment. I just posted

Odd moment.

I just posted this on my LiveJournal. I only kept them seperate because my LJ is mostly for my coworkers, and they'd know what I'm talking about.

But..

I am terribly afraid of heights.

So when The Beatles song, "If I Fell," came on the radio (yay for Beatles hour on the oldies' station) I nearly fell out of my chair. Laughing.

That is all. You can return to you normally broadcasting stations now.

and you wonder why there

and you wonder why there was a massacre on Valentine's Day..
"Foolish Games" - Jewel

No, no more bashing.

It's rare I can find someone to laugh with (and at) on so many levels. Especially a guy. The only person I could really compare him to, is Allie. It's simply rare to find a single moment of quiet because we are always laughing.

So I did have my date for the weekend. We went out to see The Butterfly Effect at Towson Commons, and it was utterly incredible. Best movie I've seen in a long time, especially for an action film. The plot was well thought out, with so many twists and turns that I nearly got lost in the storyline. T'was a bit coarse, but that's almost to be expected (a shame). I jumped out of my skin, laughed, and cried, all within the space of two hours. Exceptionally well done movie.

And I get doubletime tomorrow for working 8.5 hours on a holliday! Woohoo.

Finally, if Bossman will allow me the time off, I want to spend 10 days in August for a missions trip to El Salvador with Zone. Sounds farfetched, yes, but I went there in the summer of 2002, and it was absolutely incredible. The trip will cost me over a grand, so any and all donations will be most appreciated. The least you could do is pray Bossman will allow me the time off from work to go when I ask him tomorrow.

Happy Valentine's Day My two-cents

Happy Valentine's Day

My two-cents (feel free to ignore, or send a scathing comment my way. Your choice.):

1. I still don't like this holiday. Doubt I ever will. It was two days before Valentine's Day of 2000 that I broke up with Mike. After that, February 14th became Independence Day. (or Independents' Day.) And since than, I rarely acknowledge the day (aside from acting in a pissy mood and warning couples away from buying the three-day-old, spoiling, chocolate-dipped strawberries that Herman's Bakery sold. Sorry, but seeing a person hand-feed his or her s/o is nauseating, whether I happen to be single or not.)

2. Personally, I just think the whole VDay thing places too much pressure on the male. The girl expects him to think up some crazy romantic date, give her a dozen red roses, chocolate, and plenty of diamonds. And what does he receive in return? Some just expect their gift later that night at his place. But materially, except for ties and silk boxer shorts, what is there to buy for men an acceptable gift? "Here, honey, I got you a 58-piece wrench set for Valentine's." Blech.

3. Finally, even if the male does go through all the trouble of reserving a table at a fancy-schmancy resturante, the service is bound to be crappy. The waiters will most likely be a) single and mad at the world for it, or b) spending their VDay working until the wee hours while they'd much rather be spending the day with the s/o. So, no one wins. The couple gets bad service, waits forever to be seated, and who can blame the resturant staff? If you must, why not just celebrate the big day a week before or after? It's all the same, and you're bound to have a better time.

I know there are those out there fuming at me, but if it's all the same to you, I don't mind the day much at all. I'll be spending 8.5 hours of it working, anyway, s/o or not. And if I get surprised, props to them.

If your s/o hates those Necco hearts, 1) donate them to your favorite, writer (me!), or 2) send them a virtual candy heart that says it all.

And a smart-a$$ comic to check out.

Don't feel too bad. Even Barbie's alone this holiday.

So, to my dear readers, enjoy your holiday. I'll enjoy my paycheck even more. (not that I'm some miser that hates romance. I just like to hoard it and despise those that have found tru love.)

::8.38am EDIT::

If you must get me something, try out the ThinkGeek Underoos. Too cute.

Ah yes. A rock like

Ah yes. A rock like that would be a perfect gift. But who is Karl Urban?!?

Which LOTR Guy Will Give You A Fab Birthday Gift? by DarkRose
Name
Birthdate
Favorite Color
Who Gives You The Gift	Karl Urban
What They Give You	3 karat diamond ring
Estimated Value	$4,532
Created with quill18's MemeGen 2.0!

Pixel Obsessions Loving. Seconds of

Pixel Obsessions Loving.

Seconds of Madness. Very aggravating but addicting game.

ShimmerKitty: cartoon character cute? like Tino on the Weekenders or like umm... Eddy on Ed, Edd & Eddy?
Me: haha yes! Tino, or the dude with the pet mole rat on Kim Possible.
ShimmerKitty: mmm...yummy...I love Tino
ShimmerKitty: lol I love how he always goes to his mom for advice.. and always patches everything up, and is a dork, but so awesome at the same time... absolutely adorable
Me: yes!
ShimmerKitty: lol we're such dorks
Me: of course
ShimmerKitty2002: tehe!

Searching. I spent the morning

Searching.

I spent the morning today in the nursery, hanging with Kat and playing with the kids, a bunch of 2-4 year olds that belong to the mothers in the Bible study on Tuesdays. I'll be 18 in two weeks, and then I'll actually legally be able to watch them, but.. they let me slide. Kat changed her diary name, so I've been checking up on her old entries from last summer. She writes quite a bit of truisms, things that most people don't consider "Christians" would do. Some people don't think Christians would ever doubt their own faith. Or get depressed. Or cut, or want to end everything. But that's what everyone goes through, I think. Or at least some of us do. Others are just better at hiding their home life. Everyone else sees them as the good cheery Christian. But we aren't. Yea, God does give us joy. We do have hope in a life beyond this futile one. But that doesn't stop me from getting disgouraged, or wondering if I'm believing in a hoax. I just feel like many so-called arguments for Christianity seem to be cop-outs. Some days, there are just too many unanswered questions, that no one, no matter how well-versed or studied up, can answer. What really is painful is when I voice these doubts, other elders stare down their nose at me and question whether I really believe.

Some days I just don't know. I wish there were more answers than questions. Perhaps I just think too much.

::6:13pm EDIT::

From PhilBaker.net -

"In Praise of Skeptics"
Jennifer Hecht has just written a book on the History of Doubt. Subtitle: 'The great Doubters and their Legacy from Socrates and Jesus to Thomas Jefferson and Emily Dickinson.' This review gives a good snapshot.

Spurgeon once said that "Fierce dogmatism and angry preaching are all too often the figleaves that try to cover theological ignorance." Honest doubt keeps us authentic. In a world where we 'see through a glass darkly', it is healthy to keep this in mind whilst at the same time nourishing faith, hope and love. After all cynicism is an entirely different creature.

The review adds that "Job and Ecclesiastes have an important place in the history of doubt, and so, incidentally, Hecht argues, does Jesus, both for the episode in Gethsemane and for his despairing last words on the cross. "

Fascinating. I never even considered the idea that Jesus could have doubts. Or maybe not doubts per say, but rather just feelings of isolation, of being left behind. Not just by his followers, but by his own Father. God. He did, after all, cry out "My God, why have You forsaken me?" Isn't that what some of us feel like screaming some days?

Carve your heart out yourself.

Carve your heart out yourself.

The weekend also raised some questions about myself. Like whether I'm truly ready to start a new relationship. I read somewhere that a person needs as many weeks or months to recover from a breakup as they had together with their s/o. I don't know. I thought I had moved on. I think I've put it all behind me, learned what I did wrong, and was ready to start anew. Yet there's a nagging thought in the back of my head as to whether I just wanted things to happen. Maybe I imagined too much, and mixed too much reality with my dreams. Perhaps I put too much hope into it.

So I'm wondering if I am truly ready to start over. I've been talking with Thing 2 a couple hours a week since New Year's, and I find myself attracted to him. Not just him, but his humor, and personality. He's even a Christian, which is a HUGE added benefit. I realized I need someone who's on the same page as I am when it comes to religious beliefs. That was major mistake I made last time.

I do know that I am happy. I'm content to let things come as they have been, without pushing or hurrying it along. If it happens, it will happen. If it doesn't, I have other options and can move on.

Carve your heart out yourself
Hoplessness is your cell
Since you've drawn out these lines
Are you protected from trying times

but I'm not
I will stay
where you are
always
-Dashboard Confessional

It's the details that count.

It's the details that count.

I need need need a pair of gloves for Prom. I found a pair of white fingerless ("mitts") crocheted gloves online, but the quality is not exactly up to par for me. I want them white, cut just below the first knuckle, and below the wrist bone.

If you know where to get a pair of nice ones, let me know. Thanks! I have 'till May, but nothing's coming up, and I've visited too many bridal shops where the owners look at me as if I have two heads.

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo... There

Eenie, meenie, minie, mo...

There are too many hotties in my class of 2004. We're all homeschoolers, so I only know about 5 or 6 of them outside of the group, so I finally got to see everyone tonight. And yummy. How come all the hotties are homeschooling and were'nt at BCCHS when I went there?! We had two cuties in the entire school of 1300 people. Noah S. and Adam. And both in drama. Too bad the drama director was pissed I couldn't attend the first meeting and wouldn't let me in the club, and thus the production. Grr. That sucked major.

But.. there's four gorgeous specimens in our 2004 class of 30 people. Cannot wait till Prom..

Sweet dreams tonight. ;-)

The Wind Beneath My Wings

The Wind Beneath My Wings
"Downfall" by matchbox 20

Be my savior,
And I'll be your downfall...

I chose to watch Pearl Harbor instead of the celebrated Grammys tonight. Normally I wouldn't have done so, but this year's awards show was of very little merit. When I flipped between channels, Celine Dion's rendition of Luthor Vandross' "Dance with My Father" was off-key. The White Stripes' were nothing spectacular. Dave Matthews' and Sting's tribute to the Fab Four was half-hearted at best. The only noteworthy performance was by Beyonce Knowles, who performed a lovely "Dangerously in Love," complete with a stunning outfit and her luxurious voice. But, in the end, Pearl Harbor won out.

What really stays with me, long after the credits roll, is the beauty of flying in the film. Aside from the horrors raid on the Pacific islands, it is the this invention they call the airplane. A mass of metal, fabric, glass, and wood, crafted into a fragile vehicle strong and durable enough to carry a 200-pound man, yet lightweight and flexible to be carried upon the wind.

Flying has always struck me as nothing short of miraculous. A ballet between an awkward craft and the ever-changing sky. I grew up watching the air show at Andrews' Air Force Base every summer, fascinated by the dives and whirls and seemingly death-defying stunts of the Blue Angels. I haven't gone for a while, but I'd love to see their show next May.

The last time I was at the Base, it was before the war in Iraq. Before Bush, when the Twin Towers were still standing tall. War seemed a far off event from the annals of history, not a possibility in the near future. There at the base, my parents talked, seriously, with a member of the Air Force about my joining the military. I didn't mind, it seemed like a dream I had been holding in my heart would finally come true. I was, of course, too young then to sign up, but if I had been handed papers, I would have scribbled a flourish on the dotted line then and there, without a second thought.

But now things have changed. America is at war. I can join the Air Force and lean to fly now, but there is the ever-present danger. My mother would never let me go, and my father would lose what faith he has in me if I decided to fight like a man.

I still carry that glimmer of hope in me. I still want to fly like a bird; weightless, free. I still wish I could take on that honor of being part of the Force that has been around since World War One. Yet the negative aspects of war terrify me. Dying, losing someone I care about, failing - it would give me horrific nightmares of the unseen enemy I'd have yet to face. I wouldn't like not knowing what was around the bend, or what form my enemy would come as. It's hard enough knowing friends are leaving this year and next for deployment, maybe never to come back alive, or to come back as only a shell of the person they once were.

Yes, there are the glories of war and flying, and the tragedies. And I choose to hope, someday, that I may at least know my dream has come to pass, and it will be my turn to steer that machine above the clouds and beyond the horizon.

"Something's Coming" from West

Do you remember that opening scene in Beauty and the Beast, where Belle is walking down the crowded Main Street, book in hand, dreaming of far-off lands, full of adventure, and a prince? Or in West Side Story, when Tony is singing about his feelings of anticipation of great things happening for him that night?

That's how I feel. A mix of restlessness, contentment, and excitement. I want to get out of this house, for one. I've found a couple of apartments in Hamilton and Parkville for about $600/month, but that's the lowest, and I can't nearly afffored to pay that. My only real choice is to wait until my sophomore year in college, to get a dorm at Towson. Dad also found me a car for only $1800, which is under what I have saved, come next Friday's paycheck. It's a Dodge Valiant, but it's nearly 30 years old and, according to dad, "one of the longest-lasting cars around." Not a pretty car, but it has class. Not complaining.

Work is good. I passed my Able Seaman exam today, so I got a 50 cent raise, up to $7/hour now. Bossman gave me a huge compliment last week, thanking me for working so hard, especially on the tours, even though he knows I was never one to stay up 'til the wee hours, reading about sailing and ships. After that, I was floating on air the rest of the day. I do love the ship. Can't stand the cold, but one has to take the good with the bad, I suppose. I get along with most of my coworkers, and enjoy their company.

But what gives me a real thrill is the way some friendships are turning out. Thing 2's called quite often since New Year's, and I always have a blast chatting with him. It's a bit awkward, yes, with Bossman being his father, but I think he's woth it. If nothing more than as a friend, but things are becoming more than that. I couldn't be happier. Allie's always there and still is tight with me, we've been able to hang out evey weekend, staying up until the wee hours to watch movies, or just talk. I am so very very blessed to have her here, and I hope she knows that. As for Sean, I hope he's understanding some things he's dealing with. Sometimes he just puts himself into situations that he knows aren't for the best, and I wish he wouldn't, for his sake. Brooke, she's just lovable sissy. I've chatted with her quite a bit more, and she's that bit of perky sunshine in my life.

So what is this I'm looking forward to? Graduation? No, not really. I have a ton to pay for my cap & gown, fees, and whatever else, and I simply can't spare the money. Prom? Well, yes. My dress is lovely and ready, shoes, gloves, and a handbag I still don't have, but that'll fall into place. No date yet, but I can't be too worried. College? Dreading the idea of going back to school. Summer? This one will be pretty dull, just working, with a few weekend trips tossed in.

I just have this excitement, this feeling of anticipation I can't quite shake, that something wonderful and amazing is on the horizon of my life. I just wish I could see beyond the fog.

Goood Morning, dearies! (and what

Goood Morning, dearies! (and what a beautiful morning it is!)

I despise Baltimore for this

I despise Baltimore for this miserable rainy/slushy weather. Spent nearly an hour getting soaked to the bone in a wool unioform that only gets heavier and heavier the soggier it gets, "shoveling" the snow mush and water off the ship's deck. Then schlogged back into the museum area to open up for all 7 of the visitors. Ick. A most miserably disgusting dull day.

But.. I am so very very glad about how events have turned out. I feel in control for the most part of my life, and just things I'm feeling. I haven't been this happy in months.

No need to say more.

No need to say more. tehe.

(courtesy of Steve Kelley, The New Orleans Times)

That nice long posty will

That nice long posty will be coming soon. More like eventually.

Two blips:

I think I did quite well for the auditions for the production or drama team is putting on in April(?). I tried out for two of the main characters, Emily, a 13 year-old sweetie, and Deena, a 16 year old snobby, yet motherly, finger-pointer. Quite fun. With Emily, she reminds me of the main girl in the play Our Town, especially in the very end. I'll find out if I got either of the parts on Friday night (yikes!).

I bought Five for Fighting's new cd, The Battle for Everything today. Was only $11.99 at Sam Goody. Tehe. Sounds pretty good. Soothing for the most part. Better than their old cd, but nothing sticks out to me yet. Will require more listenings.

A note for the Mac

A note for the Mac users:

Because you keep complaining about how you can't read everything on the template I'm using now, I set up a LiveJournal, just for you. I'll post the same stuff I have here, this one will just be a bit more creative. And if I have any LJ users, add me to your friends lits! Thanks.

A nice long post, prolly

A nice long post, prolly coming later tonight, or tomorrow. Stay tuned.

A day late... [fill-in-the-blanks]

A day late...
[fill-in-the-blanks]

1. I probably spend about 6 hours on the computer every day.
2. It always takes me 85 minutes to get ready in the morning.
3. I would rather go to the dentist than go to wait, there's no place I like less.
4. My favorite dessert is strawberry cheesecake.
5. When I go to the store for one item, I always walk out with about about 5.
6. If the statement, 'You are what you eat' was true, I would be a pitcher of orange juice.
7. I set my thermostat to off in the summer and 60*F in the winter.
8. My favorite outdoor activity is biking.
9. My favorite indoor activity is reading.
10. When I'm feeling down, I usually watch a movie.

And by the way, I'm

And by the way, I'm not dying. (much to my brother's chagrin.)

I forgot to mention the pain that's been in my right side for the past two weeks. It started as this searing pain, like someone had punched me right under my rib cage. Then came the annoying scratching feeling whenever I breathed. So, because of work schedules (both mine and my parents) I haven't been able to make an appointment with the doc. Today I finally saw her, and after my glee at losing 2.5 pounds over the holiday season (down to 117.5lbs. Yeah baby!), she promptly gave me her deduction: Tientze's Syndrome. Apparently TS is caused from a virus, and I did have that flu several weeks ago. It's not deadly, or even anything serious. Just caused an inflamation between the rib cage and the lungs, and hurts like heck. Hopefully it'll go away within the next week or two.

It was the best of

It was the best of times... and it was the breast of times...
"Just a Girl" by No Doubt

Something I found somewhere. Too true, it is:
"We spend too much time trying to FIND the right person and not enough time trying to BE the right person."

To say I have never laughed harder would be too simplistic to describe last night.

Jamie, a coworker of Allie's, invited us over to his apartment, along with a group of other friends and Blockbuster workers. We started off the evening by adding money to the pot, and picking squares on a grid set up for the game. Then numbers were drawn, and scores chosen. The Super Bowl finally started. Breathlessly we waited throughout the first quarter, as the Panthers and Patriots kept the score to a tie at zero. Amanda, Jamie's girlfriend, won the first quarter. Commercials aired. We laughed and commented on the uproarious $2.8 million-dollar spots.. As the 2nd Quarter drew to a close, Allie and I watched with baited breaths. The score was tied again at seven. She was about to take her winnings when the Patriots' Vinatieri kicks for the extra point to break the tie, 14-7, and give me the lead for that quarter's bet money. Then, in the final 12 seconds of the game, the Panthers' Kasay kicks a field goal woth four points. The winnings go to Jamie.

That was the last time we had any chance for winning the $15.

We watched in stunned-silence, then nervous laughter, as Justin Timberlake ripped away part of Janet Jackson's bustier to show off her sun-shaped piercing, and CBS quickly cut away from the shot. The opinion was unanimous. Regardless of what Timberlake called "wardrobe malfunction," the piercing was meant to be shown off, and 80-some million viewers, aged 5-95, saw it.

After the Halftime Show, the rest of the game was nearly ignored. The commercials got lamer, and several more guets arrived to kill the cozy, amiable mood of the party. As the last few minutes ticked down, Allie and I waited until the buzzer sounded so we could leave for home.

But overall, the party was great. The food was incredible, the laughter was so.. crazy, and at least a couple commercials were funny.

The "Where's Wallace?" one with the little kid saying "That's just wrong, Dad" was my top favorite.

And the Fight to the Death.

> Your favorite commercial?

We all need someone to

We all need someone to kiss away our tears...

mmmm....fudge. "My Immortal" by Evanescence

mmmm....fudge.
"My Immortal" by Evanescence

'Fudged in the Head' PLEASE VOTE!!!


What Type of Lunatic are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

[Spell your first name backwards]: nalE
[The story behind your screenname]: Two screennames for AOL AIM - BringMeToLife04 - favorite Evanescence song and graduation yr - TryingNotToBreak - lyrics from a Linkin Park song
[How old? ]: 17.. 18 in 22 days!
[Where do you live?]: Baltimore City, Maryland

DESCRIBE YOUR:

[Wallet]: Grey fuzzy with a zippered side for moolah and another side for cards.
[Handbag]: At the moment - Spongebob Squarepants lunchbox tin with a handle and strap.
[Perfume/Cologne]: Grapefruit Jasmine from Bath & Body Works - I *heart* this stuff!
[Piercings]: 1 in each ear, getting a 2nd hole in each on my birthday
[What you are wearing now]: PBlue Elmo sweatshirt, pink top, jeans
[Hair]: shoulder length, brown-auburn, I need to re-dye
[Makeup]: what's left of eyeliner, a bit of blush, chapstick
[In my mouth]: tooths ;-) a tongue, and spittle
[In my head]: Wanting to finish this, wanting to go to sleep...zzzz
[Wishing]: I didn't have to wake up tomorrow so early
[Talking to]: Myself
[Eating]: nothing
[Some of your favorite movies]: at the moment? Pirates - 11 times since Christmas
[Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months]: SUMMER!! Prom.
[The last thing you ate?]: Veggie pizza
[Something that you are deadly afraid of?]: Explosives/fire
[Do you believe in love]: aye
[Do you believe in soul mates]: yes, both platonically and romantically
[Do you believe in love at first sight]: no
[Do you believe in forgiveness]: yes, but I'm afraid I forgive only to a point
[If you could have any animal for a pet]: a teacup Yorkie. Found a Yorkie/Shitzu mix in the paper earlier. Will beg.
[What are some of your favorite pig out foods?]: ice cream, nachos, soft pretzels
[What's something you wish you could understand better?]: anything math/science related. football.
[Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time?]: Mike. I was just thinking about him yesterday.

In the last 24 hours, have you:

[Cried?]: yea
[Bought something?]: Maroon 5's album
[Gotten sick]: no
[Sang?]:No.. whistled though.
[Eaten?]: yes
[Been kissed?]: no
[Felt stupid?]: yes, not like that's unlikely.
[Wanted to tell someone you loved them, but didn't?]: No.
[Met someone new?]: Yes.. that odd guy at Sean's work that thought we were "friends with benefits." Ha.
[Had a serious talk?]: no.
[Missed someone?]: yes. Someone that told me he would visit me today but didnt...
[Hugged someone?]: SeanShine
[Fought with your parents?]: no. wow.
[Dreamed about someone you can't be with?]: no.

Personal:

[Who is your role model?]: don't need a role model. peaople fail us.
[Have you ever cried over the opposite sex?]: yes.
[Do you have a "type" of person you always go after?]: I used to.. occasionally I'll crush on the borderline gay guys.. sigh. But the last couple guys who have been attracted to me and I them have all been very different. I'm still learning. Variety is the spice of life.
[Ever wanted to get revenge on someone because they hurt you?]: gr...
[Rather be dumper or dumped?]: Dumper. It's a power issue, I think.
[Ever liked your best guy/girl friend?]: when I first met Sean. But that was years ago.
[Do you want to get married?]: Eventually. He and I must have finished college and have our careers all settled out, though.
[Do you want kids?]: mhm. 1 or 2 girls.
[Do you believe you know the person whom you will marry at this point in time?]: no.
[What is your favorite part of your physical appearance?]: eyes.
[What is your favorite part of your emotional being?]: I'm very cheery. When I'm asked to do something, I do it to the best of my ability. I try not to repeat mistakes.
[Are you happy with you?]: in general. but things always need to be changed.
[Are you happy with your life?]: yes.
[If you could change something in your life right now, what would it be?]: I would be tighter with some friends. I wish I could have known what I understand now years before.

When you think of clear,

When you think of clear, refreshing bottled water, you'd expect it to come from Baltimore City, right? Wrong.

But eventually, at events like Artscape, you may be able to drink a bottle of Clearly Baltimore.

"Do people think of Baltimore as a great place for water?" asked Jane Lazgin, spokeswoman for Nestle Waters North America Inc. of Greenwich, Conn., which bottles Poland Spring and Deer Park waters, in addition to Perrier.

The label on Baltimore's prototype bottle evokes a pristine natural setting, with water gushing over an unidentified dam. It turns out to be the Jones Falls, which once was a source of city drinking water but is too polluted these days for anything but a Clean Water Act mandate.

And you have to wonder about this city. Our new possible slogan? "Believe This: It's Freakin' Cold!"